Dichotomy February 3, 2010

I was recently told by someone I barely know that I am like glass neck down and a diamond neck up.

I realize that emotions and logic often interfere with one another but can such duality exist inside one body? I have a habit of warning people about myself especially when I am in a situation where a possibility of a relationship is at stake. And by “relationship” I don’t necessarily mean romantically, it can be a friendship or a partnership. I let everyone know that although I am very strong mentally, emotionally I lack the fundamental ability to relay my feelings. That being said, no one seems to understand that until the relationship has collapsed and there is no turning back. There are times when I’m extremely passionate about something which I can handle mentally versus having to deal emotionally with the same thing and failing miserably.

I often fail miserably in relationships and although I don’t regret anything, I would like to know the guidelines. And yes I do realize that relationships are different, subjective and they depend on the individual behavior but could it be that even relationships much like experiments could have a procedure and a standard deviation for the percentage of success or failure?

What are the measures of success? Can you struggle with emotions but use your mentality to compensate? Can you be emotional and make the right choice? Can you live within a dichotomy and still distinguish between black or white?

The University System January 28, 2010

In my many years in the academic world, I had never encountered such ignorance and dogmatic behavior. I had a class where the teacher was unorganized, un-informed, inadequate and not qualified to teach at a graduate level and yet as students, myself and five others were held liable for asking clarification on her syllabus. Not only have my concerns never been addressed by my advisor who has been silenced but the Dean of our department seems more ignorant and dogmatic than the 80 years old instructor. As a student in this institution, I want to know that my concerns matter and that they will be heard and attended to. Unfortunately I feel that fighting the system will only waste my time and energy. Universities are supposed to be a place of inquiry and free thinking. However, much like our  society it is becoming more and more church like: someone gives the order and the rest follow.

I’m so disappointed in our world. Whether it’s the world of academia or our society, I feel that there is no hope for individuality, free thinking and everyone is loosing back bone nor are they willing to stand up for what is right.

Island January 7, 2010

I often dream of an island, where it is only me or perhaps a selected few, and I/we live day-to-day based on human instinct. The only goal will be to survive with no outside influence to create complications. A simple world where there are no intentions, no games, no lies, no politics; simply life. The main ritual will be to gather food, create a shelter and explore for entertainment. For at least six months I’d like to try living on an Island or perhaps join a tribe of bushmen in Africa or Australia.

There will be no cell phones, no computers, no malls, no fast food, no music, no family and most of all no shame. I would like to simply let go and live freely, if that means I’ll be naked at all times, I’m ok with that. If it means I have to work all day for food, I’m ok with that. If it means no luxuries such as face cream, tooth-brush or coffee, I’m ok with that.

I was thinking about joining a missionary group. I’m not religious but I figured it might be a good way to pave my way to this dream.

What do you think?

Mentality January 5, 2010

I have always known that I am a tad bit different from everyone else. I had to grow up much faster than most of my peers, so clearly it doesn’t come as a surprise when I don’t fit in with most of them. But recently I’m realizing more and more how not only is my mentality different but the society I am living in, is becoming less habitable. The following are the reasons why I am finding tragedies instead of hope in today’s society:

Socializing: I find that the era of maturity in men is changing to a higher age group. Men in their thirties are no longer looking for a serious relationship to settle down, instead thirties are now the new twenties. Men or I should say boys in their twenties are still hanging via the umbilical cord either to their mother or to the girlfriend that highly resembles their mother. Men in their forties can have various intentions, so it’s quit risky and frankly I’m too young to figure out those risks at this time.

Therefore the notion of mating for a young lady like myself has become a battle field. Or as I like to put it: Men are like public telephones, either they are broken or occupied.

Economics: Money has become God. More and more people in this society subject themselves to money while lacking dignity or self-worth. Men that work therefore have money, are cautious of women who have bad spending habits and women with money are fulfilling their penis envy and no longer know how to behave as women. Roles have reversed and we wonder why the rates of uncertainty and confusion rises daily among our youth.

Environmental: In the recent decade there has been a lot of talk about global warming, dolphins in Japan being slaughtered, Seals, polar bears, and other various cruelties along with swine flu, bird flu, aids and other awareness’ being thrown at us via the media, but to me, the real tragedy is the fact that obesity is killing more children in America and in this generation than the past. We have a generation that promotes stardom over education. We preach going green but America second to China produces more carbon dioxide than anywhere else. And the sad thing is that in our attempt to prevent further damage, we are fueling capitalism in this new found green market.

We are the midst of the third world war. Instead of using guns or even attacking each other, we sell software for environmental control, “Energy Management”. You may be confused by this notion but let me shed some light on this matter: What would you do if you lived in a world where everything you did or wanted to do was regulated? from what type of car you like to drive to how many kids you want to have, the new rules will be what kind of car you are allowed to drive and how many children you are allowed to have. Where to live will no longer be a choice. Basically your future success will be based on how well you can acclimate to the new rules.

So I ask you, why should I look forward to having children? If my thoughts include what I just explained in this blog, what chance do I have of finding someone with similar thoughts when what occupies most people’s thoughts are sex, violence, money and which star did what this week?

Regrets January 4, 2010

I don’t regret much in my life, I figure if anything I would probably do the same exact things if given the chance. But there is one person that I feel I have wronged. In the past year I met someone very nice, smart and quit charming. At the time I look forward to our meets, our conversations and having him fall head over heels for me. I wasn’t ready for love, or even a relationship and made sure that I let him know this all the time. I was scared and confused. At that time, there were several issues with my living situation and the one other person who was in my life. Unfortunately trying to keep both of them happy was impossible. When I realized how I felt about him, it was too late. We had gone through so much together, ups and perhaps more downs, but I have so many wonderful memories.I will never forget them.

When I found myself in a relationship and filled with a raging feeling called love, it was too late. I tried, I tried to apologize, but there was no use. I was once held on the highest cloud in his eyes but now I am simply the one he loves but is too afraid to get close to again. I don’t blame him. Falling in love with me is really easy but keeping that love alive has always been a challenge. I hurt knowing I have hurt him. I wish I could go back in time and separate my two worlds. I wish I could undo his pain, but not only am I too far but the emotional distance between us has created a unfulfilling gap.

I wish him nothing but the best and hope that one day we’ll see each other and remember only the beautiful memories. Everyone makes mistakes, including him, but I choose to forgive and forget. Although forgetting is not an easy task and I’m not very good at it.

Beauty December 19, 2009

I have been in such a slump for most of this year but as the end of it gets closer, the clouds are moving and I finally see rays of sunshine. There is so much in my life I am blessed with and when I get caught up in all the things that are wrong, I loose side of the blessings.

I am looking forward to discovering the sunny side of things in the coming up year. I went through a year of mourning the death of my grandmother and my baby, Menudo, went to my home country after eleven years and was shocked to say the least, I made the move from California back to Georgia and left a big piece of my heart behind. I dealt with numerous dilemmas with my family, financially and relationship wise, of which it took so much out of me. I lost my job, I was torn between several choices of which none of them were based on logic.

That being said, I am still here and even though I feel that I went through hell and back, I survived. I am looking forward to making friends, being in school again, and embarking on a new chapter in my life whether its a career, a healthy relationship or simply finding comfort with my surroundings, I am ready to take in the beautiful part of life.

My sister is coming in town on Sunday and I’m so excited to see her. I just want to spend some quality time with my friends and family. I wish I could have all of my loved ones around me this Christmas but I know way too well that I can’t always have what I want.

I wish everyone happiness, joy and most importantly PEACE this holiday season and a successful year ahead.

Love you all,

R

Why? December 1, 2009

I was very very angry on Sunday to a point where I have a scar to show for it. My threshhold had reached it’s limit, and I could no longer stand the feelings of agony that have been balled up for so long.

My main problem is with my Mother and her notion of Life. She feels that her life does not belong to her, instead it has to be filled with her father’s, sister’s and husband’s dramatic takes on life. She is often overwhelmed with feelings of guilt, regret, disappointment and more. These feelings arise from those individuals blaming her for everything that goes wrong with their lives. Yet when I ask her to eliminate these people from her life, her response is that she cannot stand being lonely or alone. She prefers a life of pain, drama, and complications to a life of peace and serenity. How can this be?

I catch myself asking “why?” constantly in my life. I cannot fathom a mother deserting her children and most importantly herself to sacrifices what remains for others who walk all over her and feel entitled. I’m so disappointed to see that her culture and her choices have made her loose who she is.

Identity crisis is one of my greatest dilemma’s in life and I’m in constant pursuit of who I am, but unfortunately there are others much like my Mother who allow cultures, societies, TV, and all other things to form their identity. They loose sight of who they are and they seem content with not knowing.

Why?

Random November 23, 2009

I realized today that although I enjoy my alone time especially in a relationship, I prefer having someone around all the time. Having a person that I can simply call and talk about anything and everything with is a very comforting thought. I wish I could share my every moment with someone with no judgement, no criticism, no negativity and no games.

I have had a horrible year and I am looking forward to new beginnings. But I’m afraid of what the possibilities could bring. I’m not sure I can endure more heartache and pain, because with every good thing there are several bad things that are bound to follow. But I suppose that is what Life is all about, ups and lots of downs. I know this seems like a grim way of looking at things but to me it’s not the duration of Life or the time that goes by, it’s the people you get to share your moments with that make your Life as memorable.

I guess a good analogy for Life is that it’s much like a museum, the portraits on the wall and the sculptures symbolize the various people around the world, where the person walking with you or observing the same art work is the person that matters the most in your life. Although they might analyze what they see differently than you, they are still going through the experience with you.

My museum is empty.

Long Distance Relationship November 18, 2009

I hope no one has to suffer the dreaded long distance relationship. But if you do I have some tips to help out the guys. Because keep in mind that whoever said that long distance relationships were easier since she is no longer present was and will always be an idiot. Long distance relationships take so much more effort on your part, simply because she cannot stand in front of you or be in the same room as you to understand what you are trying so hard to convey. And let’s be honest, most of you guys have a problem saying the right thing at the right time, therefore if the girl is present as you are fumbling over your words or are making an ass out of yourself, she can look you in the eye or kiss you and say, “It’s ok baby. I get it, you love me, I love you too.” So pay close attention to the following recommendations:

1-      Make sure that the line of communication is completely open. No Small Talk. Talk about your day at work, her day at work and other various things you used to share prior to the separation, like the dog or friends. But keep in mind you have to devote at least five minutes to telling her how hard it is for you that she is away. Be very detailed and complement the things you are longing for. She needs to know that you feel lost without her and no matter what may be occupying your time she is the focal point.

2-      Txt her regularly, not just in the morning or before you go to bed. Woman love attention especially from their significant other. So txt her something funny to make her smile, it can be a joke, an interesting fact of the day, a memory that you recalled and so on. But make sure that the things I mentioned do not simply revolve around you, therefore things that does not include her, things about your buddies, work and other guy stuff is strictly for you. If you tell her the joke: she has to like it, if you talk about an interesting fact: it has to be about women, if you recall a memory: she better be in the memory. By the way a simply smiley face, Miss you, Love you and other cute things will only get you so far. They become generic and inattentive rather quickly so be creative with your txts.

3-      Phone calls and txts are not enough. Send her a note, a card, a movie, chocolates, flowers, a CD with the latest songs she might like, a teddy bear, etc. Learn about the mail system, using your closest post office, take 20-30 minutes out of your day to send her something she might like. Or even write her a letter. I know, why write with pen and paper when you can e-mail? Well I’ll tell you: It will make her feel so much more special if she sees that you actually took the time to write something in a world where no one else does.

4-      A surprise visit is always good. If she is not a fan of surprises, of course you should coordinate with her first. But the point is that it will show a great deal of effort on your part.

5-       If you can’t fly out to see her, send her a ticket so she can come and see you. You have to let her know that no amount of money or miles will get in the way of you too spending some quality time with one another.

6-      While she is away, if a crisis where to take place, you have work even harder at keeping the fire alive. Make sure she knows that you understand, care and will be there for her.

7-      If you are close with her family, you should call her Mom or sister and have them take her to a spa, a shopping spree or anything she enjoys at your expense of course.

8-      Setup a Camcorder so you can see her face and she can see yours. Emotions can be kept alive once there is visual stimulation.

I warn you, long distance relationships are not for everyone.

Neglect November 17, 2009

I haven’t written in a while because not only have I not had the time but I also didn’t know what to say. But once again I’m filled with emotions and no matter how I present them verbally, I am misunderstood. So this is my last attempt at expressing my feelings. I feel neglected. I feel as though the familiarities that were a part of me are now alien, I feel like no matter what I say my words are taken out of context and I feel so unappreciated. Even speaking has become a challenge to a point that no matter how hard I try to watch what I say, I simply loose control and just let the raw material flow.

I am hurt. I was telling someone today how I just want to get on with my life, but I’m stuck in the past. I want to have more happy moments with someone special in my life. I’m done with anyone and everything that upsets me. I would like to wake up and look forward to my day with no hesitation to call that one person who will always be there.

I am neglected.