Its 4 AM and I lay on the couch wide awake thinking about the past. My pain won’t give me a break. My body aches and my brain is restless. I wish I could disappear into nothingness, a blissful coma where I can sleep and rest for as long as I wish. If my body could talk, we would have a vengeful conversation.
I can’t stop thinking about you. The moments I shared with you, the red wine and Cuban cigars on the roof of that bar. The wooden restaurant near highway 9. The moments where I secretly glimpsed at you and you caught me. Vista point and me posing for you in the field of yellow flowers. The bagel and blueberries with coffee in the mornings on the porch. Driving down 280 or to Santa Cruz in the convertible with heels. Watching TV on the red couch eating salad. Sushi in the city, the Red Room, Union square around Christmas, Fiona’s (remember the “Hello!!!”?) and so much more.
What I miss the most is the love. The unconditional love and the feeling of peace that I haven’t managed to find without you. I miss letting you love me. I miss the comfort zone and our intellectual conversations. I miss myself when I was free and happy. I miss laughing when I’m truly happy.
I’m in a vicious spiral and I’m sinking quickly.
From childhood’s hour I have not been
As others were — I have not seen
As others saw — I could not bring
My passions from a common spring –
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow — I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone –
And all I lov’d — I lov’d alone –
Edgar Allan Poe.
We miss you too!!