I can’t stop thinking about you. The moments I shared with you, the red wine and Cuban cigars on the roof of that bar. The wooden restaurant near highway 9. The moments where I secretly glimpsed at you and you caught me.  Vista point and me posing for you in the field of yellow flowers. The bagel and blueberries with coffee in the mornings on the porch. Driving down 280 or to Santa Cruz in the convertible with heels. Watching TV on the red couch eating salad. Sushi in the city, the Red Room, Union square around Christmas, Fiona’s (remember the “Hello!!!”?) and so much more.

What I miss the most is the love. The unconditional love and the feeling of peace that I haven’t managed to find without you. I miss letting you love me. I miss the comfort zone and our intellectual conversations. I miss myself when I was free and happy. I miss laughing when I’m truly happy.

I’m in a vicious spiral and I’m sinking quickly.

Normandy poppies for you

Indulgence and Impatience for me

The 15-centimeter love for you

Cleverness and cunning is our share

An unwanted generation is our share

Embarrassment of the government is our share

The thick black list is our share

‘Constructive Criticism’ is our share

Tomorrow maybe is our share

I imagine myself in a bubble created by my experiences and the theme song featuring my life (as of late) to be: Moby’s “The New World”.

All the mistakes I made are starring me in the eyes and I try to reflect on each one, only to find out that I no longer know the person that committed each one of them.

I don’t mind playing the “what if” game and replaying choices I’ve made and imagining what could have been, but only to prepare myself for making better choices in the future.

Step 1: I know nothing. All I know is that there is an entity which is “I” and it breaths. I don’t know how but I know that it does.

Step 2: There is a separate entity that’s out there which I call “World”.

Step 3: I use my senses and mind as interfaces to interact between the entity that is “I” and the “World”.

Step 4: Are my senses 100% reliable? I examined the response to this question for hours and perhaps days and I reached the conclusion that my senses are unreliable. My eyes have deceived me in the past and so have my other senses.

Step 5: If my interactions/communications with the world through my senses cannot be trusted, then what is reality?

Step 6: This concept leaves me with the curious thought of an alternate reality. A wonderland that perhaps encompasses the “truth”.

Step 7: What is the ultimate truth? Lets refer back to the entity that was “I”. Who is “I”? Or more simply, who am I? Not the “I” that is Ramona, dark haired, olive skinned and female, but the real Me.

Step 8: I may know all that encompasses my world, my experiences and my life but the depth of understanding the “I” that questions existence and being is relative to the ultimate truth.

…

We started to dance. A dance we didn’t know how to move to, the rhythm completely alien to our ears, and a platform as unstable as quicksand. And that’s how I got tangled with you. Tangled to a point of no escape. Tangled and claustrophobic. I’ve been trying to break free since, but much like a tree, I rooted and we became one.

Tangled so much that I can’t breath at times. Only when our passion runs deep, I appreciate what we have, but as soon as you walk away I start to shake the steel bars of my cell. The cell that I trapped myself in.

The hurt and torture deep inside,
The scalding pain of hate.
The sadness deep inside my soul,
That anger did create.

The anger causes pain inside,
Too deep to understand.
And the pain, in turn, will cause,
More malice to my hand.

The scourge I lay upon you now,
You surely cannot break.
This curse will last for on and on,
You’ve made a grave mistake.

But I am quick to forgive,
for I see no need to further this foolish game.
You broke my heart for the last time,
thus you will live with the your hurtful claim.

More than ever I feel like a circus horse. A wild horse that was happy grazing the mountains, captured by the net of love and forced into submission. Every time the horse tries to escape her trainer, she is faced with the fact that he may be the best thing that has happened to her. But she is broken, she has been tamed to be what he/others expects her to be.

Life is that circus and I am merely a small part of it. The audience come and go and every time I’m on stage, I try to impress them. Well, I’m tired. I’m exhausted. Trying to please others is no longer pleasing to me.

All the craziness around me, is overwhelming. I want out.

You say that you care

I say to you that I don’t feel your love nor care

You ignore me in protest

Love me like no other

Love me like there is no tomorrow

Touch me as though you will never get the chance to touch me again

Kiss me like you are going to war

Hold me as if you never mean to let me go

Tell me everyday what I mean to you

Tell me how much you love me

Remind me that I am the one,  that I’m your motive for life

Reassure me that without me, your world will be cold and dark

I don’t know what I mean to you

I don’t know where I stand

All I know is that I’m starving for love

That love is not to lean on or friendship

entrusting forever

and you will understand that kisses are not contracts

and gift don’t mean promises or oaths

little by little you will learn that the rays of sun will burn

if you choose to bathe in it

you must grow your own garden

instead of waiting for one to deliver you flowers

you will learn to have patience

and to be strong when facing a good bye

you will learn that you are worth much more

I go through my days wanting to bare it all out and have someone do the same with me. Every day I wake up wishing I was a bear, naked in the woods eating salmon and berries. I hate bearing the pressure that builds up in every orifice of my life. I want to lose everything and have a clean start. My life is cluttered with so much and I just can’t seem to sort anything. I used to want to live on an island where my instincts would help me survive. An island where there would be no long term goal and my only worry would be to find food and to keep my shelter protected. A place where natural selection would be law and the notion of giving thought to tomorrow would be foolish. Alas, I am not on that island. I am here in this society where I sweat the little stuff and worry about things out of my control.

So these days, when nothing seems to go the right way, I fantasize about being a bear. Somewhere in the woods, with my bare body strolling the bushes and rivers looking for food. Not concerned with who will see me to judge, and most importantly no time constrains to stress me. I will hibernate through out winter and in spring rise again to find a mate and eat. What a life!

I find my self hiding away from most of you these days. I guess I feel more safe in my cave.